Dr. Lori is a licensed clinical psychologist and an American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) certified sex therapist. We know that there are a lot of people who have questions about all kinds of sexual things, so we teamed up with Dr. Lori to answer your questions. Send us your question and we will post Dr. Lori's answer here . Please allow 2 to 3 weeks. Click here to learn more about Dr. Lori Buckley.
Questions on Communication:
Q:
My boyfriend recently told me that he wishes I would do more in bed. I am not nearly as experienced as he is and I know he has been with other girls who were also more experienced than me. I sometimes feel insecure with him because of that. He says he wants me to get on top, and I too would like to try it. But, I have rarely ever done that and I’m unsure of what exactly to do. I’m afraid my boyfriend will get frustrated since I don't feel like I know what I'm doing. Is there a good book or video to help me?
Thanks!
Kristin
Dr. Lori's Answer:
Dear Kristin,
A wonderful resource to increase your sexual knowledge is Sinclair’s New Better Sex Video Series. I recommend you watch alone and/or with your boyfriend. The series includes 3 DVD’s that cover everything from sexual anatomy to sexual skill building and more. Not only is it easier to learn by seeing than reading, it’s definitely more fun! I also strongly encourage you to communicate how you’re feeling with your boyfriend, and the DVD’s can be used as a tool to start a discussion about what you do and don’t feel comfortable with, and about what you would like to try. Your boyfriend has already begun a conversation with you by telling you he wishes you would “do more in bed”. Now, let him know how you feel…that you’d also like to try more things, but feel a little insecure since you don’t have a lot of experience. I’m sure he’ll be more that happy to help you increase your sexual knowledge and experience.
Q:
My wife and I are both 40 years old and have been married for 20 years. I am having a lot of problems dealing with the fact that we have had to introduce sex toys into the bedroom due to the changes of life for my wife. For the most part I am supportive and want more then anything to fulfill my wife’s sexual desires/needs. The problem is that I can’t get it out of my head that she is using the sex toys when I’m not there. I believe that if two people love each other there should be no need for self pleasuring, and that we have each other to take care of each others needs. How can I deal with the way I am feeling ?
Dr. Lori's Answer:
You’re not alone in feeling this way. I often hear this concern from men as well as women. However, your wife’s desire to masturbate probably has little to do with your ability to take care of her sexual needs or for her desire (or lack of desire) to make love with you. The fact is that many men and women continue to masturbate even when in a relationship. Think of it like eating. Sometimes you just want to grab a quick bite to satisfy your hunger. However, there are other times when you want to sit down and enjoy a wonderful meal with the person you love. While both of these examples include eating, they are two completely different experiences.
And did you know that women who masturbate are more knowledgeable and comfortable with their bodies, and often more orgasmic? This means that self-pleasuring can also increase a woman’s desire for partner sex.
Ask yourself what is specifically causing your distress? Are you concerned that you’re not satisfying your wife, or that your wife enjoys the toys more than she enjoys making love with you? I encourage you to sit down with your wife and tell her your concerns. I realize that adding a sex toy into the relationship after 20 years can at first feel uncomfortable, and I applaud you for being open to trying new things. Sex toys are a great way to add fun, variety and excitement into your sex life, but can never replace a loving partner.
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