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Dr. Lori is a licensed clinical psychologist and an American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) certified sex therapist. We know that there are a lot of people who have questions about all kinds of sexual things, so we teamed up with Dr. Lori to answer your questions. Send us your questions and we will post Dr. Lori's answer here. Please allow 2 to 3 weeks. Click here to learn more about Dr. Lori Buckley. Submit your own question.
Questions on Orgasms:
Q:
My fiancé' has a hard time with ejaculating too soon, and I want him to last longer. What can be done to help him fix this? So far we haven't had good luck with cock rings. Would like to know what else can be done.
Q:
What makes a guy ejaculate real quickly & how can I last longer?
Q:
I want to improve my masturbation time period, which currently is very low. How can I last for at least up to 5 min. my age is 25 and I masturbate once in a week.
Dr. Lori's Answer:
Rapid ejaculation is a concern for many, yet is something that can be relatively easy to “fix.” The key in learning to last longer is to focus on the sensations and pleasures you’re feeling and to learn when you are reaching “the point of no return.”
A simple technique called “stop start” teaches you to recognize the feelings you experience right before the point of no return. When you feel yourself getting close to ejaculatory inevitability (the point of no return) STOP, and then resume once the feeling subsides. Do this a few times before letting yourself ejaculate.
This does take lots of practice, so be patient, and don’t get discouraged when you have a setback. This is part of the process. Start by practicing this exercise daily during masturbation, until you feel you’ve mastered it. Then you can practice it with a partner. The “stop start” exercises combined with kegel exercises will give you more ejaculatory control. You may start to notice improvement in weeks, but it usually takes months.
In my practice, I recommend “Coping with Premature Ejaculation” by Michael E. Metz, Ph.D. & Barry W. McCarthy, Ph.D. and the DVD You Can Last Longer by Sinclair Institute. If you are still experiencing difficulty controlling ejaculation, I encourage you seek the help of a certified sex therapist.
Q:
I’ve been having sex and it is all good, but I never seem to feel anything like the way everyone talks about when they have an orgasm. I get really wet, but I’ve never felt any different.
Dr. Lori's Answer:
Orgasms come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes they feel warm and tingly, and sometimes it feels like the earth really did move. The best way to learn to have an orgasm is through masturbation. Women who masturbate are more knowledgeable and comfortable with their bodies, and therefore more orgasmic. Many women find it easier to orgasm with direct clitoral stimulation using a vibrator, but some women prefer manual stimulation with their fingers, or rubbing their vulva against an object such as a pillow. And some women prefer penetration and G-spot stimulation. Touch and explore your entire body with the goal of experiencing pleasure and discovering your preferences and “hot spots”. If you choose to try a vibrator (millions of women can’t be wrong), try pacing the vibrator on your breasts, nipples, and thighs before proceeding to your clitoris and/or G-spot. Make sure to take your time and to be fully present. Reading erotica, watching an adult film, or thinking about your hottest sexual fantasy can also help ignite your sexual desire and arousal, which can enhance your erotic pleasure and ability to have an orgasm. But remember, if you try to have an orgasm, you probably won’t. It will happen when you’re able to relax and surrender to the pleasure you’re feeling. I recommend the Liberte vibrator which can be used for clitoral and G-spot stimulation.
Q:
A while back I attended a seminar. Someone mentioned that right before a guy comes to a climax (I'm just assuming its males for now) the brain releases a chemical into the brain that creates a mental image of what gave you that orgasm. I was wondering if you knew what this is called or if it's true? It seems fairly interesting to me. Thanks.
- Alex
Dr. Lori's Answer:
Dear Alex
I think you’re referring to what Judith Reisman refers to as an “erototoxin” in her self-published paper The Psychopharmacology of Pictorial Pornography Restructuring Brain, Mind & Memory & Subverting Freedom of Speech. She suggests that pornography is an “erototoxin” that produces testosterone, oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin which affects the physical structure of the brain. Keep in mind that Reisman is connected with a right-wing Christian organization with an agenda to promote 'moral values' and fund anti-porn brain scanning studies, and that her arguments are weak.
Everything we physically do, including having sex, affects the brain. Our brains are full of mental images. There are some mental images we prefer to not have, such as the memory of a horrible car accident, people jumping off the twin towers, or the time you walked in on your grandmother just as she was taking off her bra. Sometimes these traumatic experiences/images can negatively affect our lives. And then there are mental images that give us joy. I am not aware of any studies that suggest that mental images which lead to orgasm are damaging.
Q:
I am a healthy 44 year young female. My partner I do not have sex as much as I would like to and I would like to have more than one orgasm because I do not know when I will be able to see him again. What can I do to have multiple orgasms?
Dr. Lori's Answer:
I’m not sure if your partner’s sexual desire is less than yours or if there is something in your relationship that prevents you two from being together as much as you would like, but having multiple orgasms is not going to make the time away from your boyfriend any easier. That said…it is possible to learn to have multiple orgasms. While only 15-25 percent of women are muti-orgasmic, most (if not all) women are capable of having multiple orgasms. Practice with masturbation, which by the way can also help you to decrease your sexual frustration between sessions with your boyfriend. Many women find it easier to orgasm with a vibrator (I recommend the liberte contour vibrator to my patients because it can be used for clitoral as well as G-spot stimulation). See what works best for you. Then take your time to relax and fully experience your erotic pleasure. After you cum, keep going. Give yourself some time to decrease the sensitivity, but not so long that your arousal disappears. Know that you can achieve multiple orgasms, but don’t try too hard. The goal is not to orgasm, but to fully experience your sexual pleasure since trying to have any amount of orgasms is an orgasm killer. And you may not experience multiple orgasms on the first or even the fifth try. Be patient and enjoy the process. Also, keep in mind that while multiple orgasms can be a wonderful thing, they are not the only or even best way to enhance your sexual pleasure.
Q:
I am on zoloft and have been for quite some time. It seems I cannot have an orgasm. I feel like I almost get there then don't. If I get off the zoloft will my sex drive come back?
Dr. Lori's Answer:
It is very likely your sex drive and ability to orgasm will come back if you switch your medication or stop taking Zoloft. However, the journal of Psychotherapy and Psychosomatics recently published 3 cases of young, otherwise healthy people who developed sexual side effects on SSRI’s that did not improve even years after stopping the antidepressants. So, it’s possible that you may continue to experience negative sexual side effects even after you stop taking Zoloft. That said, remember that clinical depression is a serious illness and can negatively impact many aspects of your life, including your sexuality. Before stopping or changing your medication you will need to see your doctor to discuss your medication options.
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