Dr. Lori is a licensed clinical psychologist and an American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) certified sex therapist. We know that there are a lot of people who have questions about all kinds of sexual things, so we teamed up with Dr. Lori to answer your questions. Send us your questions and we will post Dr. Lori's answers here. Please allow 2 to 3 weeks.
Click here to learn more about Dr. Lori Buckley.
Submit your own question.
Questions on Erectile Dysfunction:
Q:My name is Josh and I have been with my girlfriend for about 2 years now. We have always been into each other, but we are starting to be less sexual. My problem is that I cannot ejaculate very easily. I don’t know why this is, but it takes me hours to have an orgasm. I wish I knew certain things that I could do or she could do while stroking me or giving me blowjobs that would trigger me into ejaculating faster. Please give me some information and advice.
Dr. Lori's Answer: Dear Josh,
You say you and your girlfriend are less sexual than you used to be. This appears to be at least partly due to your ejaculation difficulty. While I understand how frustrating this might be for you and your girlfriend, it’s important that you don’t base your sexual satisfaction on ejaculation/orgasm. Focusing and worrying about ejaculation will ensure that you will not only have difficulty ejaculating, but you and your girlfriend will also experience less satisfying and therefore less sex.
My advice to you is to focus on your and your girlfriend’s pleasure and eliminate the pressure to ejaculate. Enjoy a variety of erotic pleasures by trying new things. Experiment with new ways to touch each other by taking turns giving one another an erotic body and/or genital massage with no cumming allowed. Then, if and when you and your partner decide to progress to intercourse, make sure you are fully aroused. Then try incorporating multiple stimulation into your love making, such as deep kissing and/or nipple stimulation with intercourse, or anal stimulation with fellatio. And remember that while ejaculation/orgasm is a wonderful experience, it is only one part of intimacy and love making.
I also recommend you spend some time masturbating to learn your bridge to orgasm. As you stroke your penis, focus on the pleasure you’re feeling. As you become more aroused, notice what you’re doing and thinking about. What’s triggers ejaculation? In other words, what’s happening right before you ejaculate? You can then use this bridge when you are having partner sex to help you ejaculate more quickly.
It is also important to know if this is just a problem with partner sex. If you don’t have difficulty ejaculating with masturbation, then follow my recommendations above. Otherwise, you should see your physician to rule out any medical concerns. Also, difficult ejaculation can be caused by medication such as antidepressants, alcohol and other drugs.
Q:Why is it that I can only cum when I play with myself?
Dr. Lori's Answer:Unfortunately, there are many things that can interfere with sexual pleasure and the ability to have an orgasm with a partner. Ask yourself what is different when you are pleasuring yourself from when you are having sex? Every woman requires conditions for enjoyable sex, and they become more complex when a partner is added to the mix. Do you feel physically and psychologically safe with your sexual partner? Are you able to communicate with your partner to let him/her know what turns you on and how you liked to touched? If it is difficult for you to relax when with you’re with a partner, or if you worry about your sexual performance, how your body looks, or what your partner is feeling and thinking, you will not be able to enjoy sex or have an orgasm. Self-consciousness and/or self-judgment will kill your ability to experience intimacy and pleasure. Instead, focus on what your partner is doing to you and how fabulous it feels. Also, many women don’t experience orgasm with intercourse alone since they do not receive the direct clitoral stimulation that is usually achieved with masturbation. Try having yourself or your partner stimulate your clitoris manually or with a vibrator during intercourse. Follow the above advice and you will experience more satisfying sex, with or without orgasms.
Back to Better Sex University 
