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My name is Marty, I work for BetterSex.com and I have cancer. Not an easy thing to write, but please don’t feel bad for me. I love my family, job and life and I am not alone. There are more than 10,000,000 people in the United States living with cancer today and this is more people than currently live in Chicago, Houston and Philadelphia combined. Statistics from the National Cancer Institute place the chance of developing some sort of cancer at about 1 in 2 (men = 45% chance, women = 38% chance). Six degrees of separation says that either you have cancer or you know someone or several people who do. The ubiquity of Lance Armstrong’s “Live Strong” yellow bracelets demonstrate this fact better than words http://www.livestrong.com. I don’t quote cancer statistics to scare, but cancer is an important topic for everyone who visits our web site. A friend asked me a great question. Why should people read your story if they don’t have cancer? “Hope,” was my one word answer. Working together we can create hope. Sharing makes us all stronger. Hearing from you will help me and others feel less alone. Please share your story of hope, suggestions or just say hello by emailing Marty@bettersex.com . I will protect your information like a mother bear protects her cubs, and I will respond to every email.
My Story I am not being completely honest. My first reaction was to feel sorry for myself. That felt stupid (after a bit). I’ve had some pre-conditioning for the cancer experience because I found out I have multiple sclerosis (MS) when I was thirty. That makes me a two-time winner and so unique that my doctors estimate I may be one of 10 people in the world who has cancer and MS. If you are one of the other nine, please email me.
This isn’t an easy story to write. There is something about seeing black words on white paper (or screen) that makes having cancer more real (in a strange way). Forgive me if I ramble. Rambling allows me to sneak up on the hard topics we are tackling together. I understand the power of the outline, but today we are just talking. I’ve left enough structure to tell my story in the hope you will share yours. What Sex Means When You Have Cancer
Cancer can be very isolating because it pulls the person with the disease inward. It freaks you out. The internal dialog in your head gets pretty loud. It is saying something like, “HELP!” It can be hard to have productive conversations or not lose your partner, friends and family when your inner voice is shouting so loudly. It takes dramatic strength or a great partner to break through and quiet that voice. Greeting cards are signs of support, but they fall short. Movies, television, books are great distractions. I love them all, but they fall short too. My iPod helps and I’ll discuss what’s on my iPod later. Right now, listening to my iPod is as close as I get to the best medicine – intimacy with a loving partner. Cancer can be isolating because your lover experiences you differently. You can see this in their eyes. You may have made love the day before your diagnosis. It doesn’t matter. After your doctor uses the “C” word you are forever changed, instantly a different person. I try to remember that cancer isn’t just happening to me. It is happening to family and friends too. Remembering that it isn’t all about you when you have cancer can be a challenge. Heck, I thought it was all about me before the cancer (only half kidding here). Make Love Don’t Break Up Stay together because you will know yourself and your partner in a unique way that is a gift, a reward, and a treasure. How many treasures do you get in life? If you can’t stay together make sure you have a good support network. No, your dog or cat doesn’t constitute a support network at least not completely.
Different Is Okay
Being Physical I want to have Jimmy’s attitude. We win when we do what we can, as well as we can, for as long as we can. Yes, your doctor needs to be involved and advising you on exercise and stress, and you need to listen. When I told my mom I went for a twenty-five mile bike ride several weeks ago I thought she was going to walk right out the door and drive the 13 hours to my house. She was sure I was crazy and would get hurt. As it turned out, my knee hurt for weeks, so she was right (of course). Remember cancer may reduce your strength and stamina, so don’t get crazy. Being physical when you have cancer, MS or anything is very important. I am moving again doing yoga, swimming and using the elliptical machines to compensate for the knee. Some day soon, I may even understand “moderation” as a concept. Cancer or illness may hurt your sex life. Don’t let it if at all possible. Sex is a great physical activity. You burn calories, get closer to your partner, put your internal voice on hold for a few minutes and work up a sweat in what has to be the best way possible. Would you rather run, swim, do yoga or have sex? Couldn’t resist putting a poll here to check in, so please vote for your favorite exercise.
Humor Uncertainty How do you care for, love and interact with someone who is living on the biggest yo-yo ever? Very carefully and patiently is what my support system tells me. Searching for Comfort Instead of not having sex you may need to make sex more comfortable. Liberator Shapes, a new kind of bedroom accessory, are made of dense foam that comfortably supports just about any sex position. Sex swings, straps and other sex position aids can help make sex comfortable maybe even gymnastic. See if you can use these or other tools to make sex comfortable if not gymnastic. Benefits of Vibration Fantasy We are sex educators. We understand watch, do, and teach and use it in our sex education productions. We know it is not hard to find a place to watch people having sex these days, but you may not want to attempt everything you see. Let’s do this. You watch one, do one and then share what you learn. Some fantasies work, some don’t. Time is too valuable to waste on fantasies that are never going to work. New Sex Positions ED Here’s the thing. All kinds of things can cause your plumbing to malfunction. Medication is a big one and smoking is another. What solution do most doctors suggest when you complain about the ED side effect from the medication that is lowering your blood pressure, cholesterol or preventing stroke? They give you a script for a yet another pill. I don’t know about you, but there are only so many pills I want to take and I am past that limit already. There are pumps, straps and rings that can help with erectile dysfunction. Think of them as the “all-natural” alternatives and let me know if you would like a more in depth article on ED. Marty’s Ipod Share Marty’s Dreams Painting a great painting (think Vermeer meets Rauschenberg) Your Dreams Thank You  Marty in his studio.
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Yes, there are days when I am too tired to tie my shoes much less think about sex. Sex may not be the most important thing on a given day, but it is still very important. If you have cancer, don’t give up on sex. If you are the partner of someone with cancer, don’t give up on him or her and don’t give up on sex. 
Lance Armstrong proved it is possible to get stronger even with a major health challenge. Lance wrote about getting dropped (passed on a bike) by a nice older lady on his first ride after chemo. You will get dropped too and that is okay. Even if you don’t care about riding bikes, you should read Lance’s book 
Pain can stop you from doing things you really enjoy and need to do such as exercise and having a sex life. I am thinking of that old bad joke. The patient tells the doctor that it hurts when he bends his knee so the doctor says stop bending your knee. That is really bad advice when it comes to sex. Sex is way too important to stop. 
My iPod saves me. When I go to the doctor I start with Miles Davis (Milestones, Birth of the Cool or Relaxin'). When I get moved to the interior room, you know the place where you are eventually going to see a doctor but it could be another hour, I listen to Keith Jarrett, Chic Corea, McCoy Tyner or Glen Gould. Pianos help me relax as I wait for the long white coats and my test results. After my appointment I turn up the volume on the Stones, Led Zeppelin, The Who or Hendrix. After the appointment, I want loud music of the classic variety. Sometimes I get a little more hip, or as hip as I get, and listen to Beck, Smashing Pumpkins and Red Hot Chile Peppers. 
